Our lost wedding anniversary..

Helder,
My love..

It would be our 7th wedding anniversary today..

I thought we would get old together..

Life had different plans for both of us..

Where are you, Helder...?

Are you.. SOMEWHERE..?  SOMEHOW...?

What has became of us? 

Is there still  'us'..? 

Are we still connected by mutual effort.. two-way longing.. even though I cannot see or feel you..?

or is it now only me.. 

mourning.....?

Wedding anniversaries are meant for two people ..to rejoice.
For two people..
Not for one..
Not for the widow...

It could be our 7th wedding anniversary..

I miss you Helder

I 'carry on'..

I took today all your medications to the pharmacy, to dispose them..
I couldn't do it before.. Once I tried, I separated carefully all the boxes from the medications itself.. on all the boxes was your name printed.. I put everything back into the wardrobe..
Yesterday I took it all out again.. I put all the outer boxes in the recycling bin..  What was left was a big paper bag full of medications.. It was heavy to carry.. Your glucometer.. blood test strips.. insulin pen needles.. morphine.. hundreds of strips of pills... bottles of tablets.. Not needed anymore..
They told me off in the pharmacy, I should have not put the control drugs with the rest of the medications, so I started to dig in the bag to find the morphine.. All those pills, strips, jars, tubes falling through my hands.. Tears falling slowly down my face.. The woman behind the counter asked politely: 'and how is your husband?'
My husband died..
When I left the pharmacy I didn't know what to do with myself, where to go... I couldn't breathe.. I couldn't see anything through tears.. I hold the phone in a desperate need to call someone, to scream for help.. I call no one... It was you I wanted to talk with.
I walked aimlessly until it was time to pick up Oli from school. We went home. It was Father's Day today in Portugal.

'You live...'

In the sound of the waves
of the sea green ocean
In the rugged cliffs and hidden coves
In the pine trees that shelter your
physical remains
In the warmth of Casa Luz
In the laughter of friends
In your child's play on the beach
In the silent tears of your family
In the soul of your beloved
In all our hearts
You live, you live.

By Shubhi, 19 January 2014