'How I wish you were here...'

My love..

I used to ask you:  Do you know how much I love you..?
I thought I knew it myself.. But I didn't....
Until I lost you...

It was a month today..
After I walked Oli to school, I went with Shubhi and Neil to the Amaravati Monastery.
You enjoyed so much coming back there.. I remember the last time we went there together, even Oli.. It was such a happy day.. :)  With an innocent proudness you introduced me then to your Portuguese friend, Appamado.. For you there have never been any external boundaries, monk or not - it was just your brother in heart :)
Today we brought with us one of the meals you enjoyed so much to offer it in the monastery.. Ajahn Jayanto talked to us.. were you there with us?
I felt you were with me.. in me... when we left.
I came out from there with a tiny light in my heart..  it will be my life jacket when next time I feel like I am drowning in pain..

It was very hard since when we returned from Portugal.. Everything reminds me of you.. Every cell of my body is longing for you and yet everywhere I feel only your absence..

Month ago, in those last moments we had, I read you this poem, written by Shubhi for you.. it was meant to be your birthday gift.. I read it to you few times.. somehow it expressed what we all, gathered around you, wanted you to know.. I hoped that those words would bring you peace and help you go..

Now I am reading it to myself, so it brings peace to me and gives me some strengths to live..

***

From our hearts to yours, wrapped in love...

The soft scent of a rose,

The sound of waves lapping on the shore,

The gentle touch of a loved one,

These are our gifts and more...

Deep love and gratitude for you,

Your friendship and inspiration, 

And a wish that your heart may soar

Free and unafraid,

Joyful in the knowledge

That you and I and everyone you know

Are forever held in love's embrace.

***