Saturday, February 16, 2013

'How I wish you were here...'

My love..

I used to ask you:  Do you know how much I love you..?
I thought I knew it myself.. But I didn't....
Until I lost you...

It was a month today..
After I walked Oli to school, I went with Shubhi and Neil to the Amaravati Monastery.
You enjoyed so much coming back there.. I remember the last time we went there together, even Oli.. It was such a happy day.. :)  With an innocent proudness you introduced me then to your Portuguese friend, Appamado.. For you there have never been any external boundaries, monk or not - it was just your brother in heart :)
Today we brought with us one of the meals you enjoyed so much to offer it in the monastery.. Ajahn Jayanto talked to us.. were you there with us?
I felt you were with me.. in me... when we left.
I came out from there with a tiny light in my heart..  it will be my life jacket when next time I feel like I am drowning in pain..

It was very hard since when we returned from Portugal.. Everything reminds me of you.. Every cell of my body is longing for you and yet everywhere I feel only your absence..

Month ago, in those last moments we had, I read you this poem, written by Shubhi for you.. it was meant to be your birthday gift.. I read it to you few times.. somehow it expressed what we all, gathered around you, wanted you to know.. I hoped that those words would bring you peace and help you go..

Now I am reading it to myself, so it brings peace to me and gives me some strengths to live..



***
From our hearts to yours, wrapped in love...
The soft scent of a rose,
The sound of waves lapping on the shore,
The gentle touch of a loved one,
These are our gifts and more...
Deep love and gratitude for you,
Your friendship and inspiration, 
And a wish that your heart may soar
Free and unafraid,
Joyful in the knowledge
That you and I and everyone you know
Are forever held in love's embrace.
***

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Without a goodbye...


Helder...
My love...
My husband...
My friend...
My soul mate..
My sunshine..
My happiness..
My everything...

I keep coming back to your blog.. Each time I experience this stabbing-heart sadness finding the same old post at the top of the page.. with every day it feels more painful.. something inside me tells me that I cannot leave it as it is right now.. I feel that you would not like me to leave your blog just like this..
left out so abruptly..
like an unfinished sentence..

You have worked so hard on your blog all those years...
I almost owe it to you..
and maybe I need to do it as well for myself..

Your blog become part of our everyday life..   I miss it..
I miss seeing you sitting in front of the computer, all focused and struggling with finding the right words.. I miss the notes you kept making through the day on scraps of paper, on the reverse side of the receipt, on the tissue, on the bookmark.. this in order to not let go some important thoughts, some ideas you wanted to include in the blog.. so many times we would then look everywhere where is gone that note you wrote earlier on.. :)   I miss this too..

I received few messages from your old friends, who have been following your blog, some have left the comment after the last post 'Blog to book'. They are asking: 'what happened? why Helder is not writing anymore? did Helder died...?' 

yes..

Helder died..

on Tuesday, the 15th of January... two days before his 41th birthday...

it is four weeks today..
I miss you, my love..
so much....